J O K E S  

A

A businessman had arranged an important formal dinner party at
his home where they were going to serve stuffed whole baked fish
as the main course. While the guests were eating the appetizer, the
cook came to the host and whispered "Please come urgently to the
kitchen." The host went to the kitchen where the cook explained that
while she was serving the starter, the cat ate a big chunk of the fish
which they were going to serve. The host said, "Just fill the hole
with stuffing and turn the other side up, nobody will notice."
The fish was served and when they were nearly finished eating, the
host was again called to the kitchen. The cook said, "The cat is dead!"
The host rushed back to the dinner party and apologized, "Something
was wrong with the fish and everyone must have their stomachs pumped
out at the hospital." When they came back everything was still fine
and the host went to ask the cook, "Where is the cat?"
"Oh," said the chef, "The cat is still by the road where the
truck ran it down!"

---

A cop decided to wait outside of a local bar one night. Drunk guys came out of this bar at night, like rats from a sinking ship, to drive home. It was closing time, and one guy stumbled out and almost fell on the curb. The drunk tried to unlock five cars before he finally found his. By this time everyone had left the bar. When the drunk pulled out, the cop pulled him over and said, "Sir, get out of he car. You're under arrest for DUI." The cop made the drunk blow a breathalyzer test, and the results were 0.0. The cop asked, "How can this be?" The guy said, "Because I'm the designated decoy!"

---

A country lad comes to the big city. He sits down at the bar and sees a real beauty sitting at the other end. He tells the bartender to get a drink for her.

"Don't bother dude, she's a lesbian."

"I don't care!" says the lad, "Gimme the drink and I'll take it over myself..."

So the lad slides up and sits down next to the lady and says....

"So babe, what part of Lesbia are you from?"

---

A country preacher decided to skip services one Sunday and head to the
hills to do some bear hunting. As he rounded the corner on a perilous twist in the trail, he collided with a bear, sending him and his rifle tumbling down the mountainside. His rifle went one way, and he went the other, landing on a rock and breaking both legs.

That was the good news. The bad news was the ferocious bear was charging
at him, and he couldn't move.

"Oh, Lord," the preacher prayed, "I'm so sorry for skipping services today to come out here and hunt. Please forgive me and grant me just one wish: Please make a Christian out of that bear that's coming at me. Please, Lord!"

That very instant the bear skidded to a halt, fell to its knees, clasped its paws together and began to pray aloud at the preacher's feet:

"Dear God, bless this food I am about to receive..."

---

A customer at Green's Gourmet Grocery marveled at the proprietor's quick wit and intelligence.

"Tell me, Green, what makes you so smart?"

"I wouldn't share my secret with just anyone," Green replies, lowering his voice so the other shoppers won't hear. "But since you're a good and faithful customer, I'll let you in on it. Fish heads. You eat enough of them, you'll be positively brilliant."

"You sell them here?" the customer asks.

"Only $4 apiece," says Green.

The customer buys three. A week later, he's back in the store complaining that the fish heads were disgusting and he isn't any smarter.

"You didn't eat enough, " says Green. The customer goes home with 20 more fish heads. Two weeks later, he's back and this time he's really angry.

"Hey, Green," he says, "You're selling me fish heads for $4 apiece when I can buy the whole fish for $2. You're ripping me off!"

"You see?" says Green. "You're smarter already."

---

A drunk came across a man doing 'press-ups' in the park. Staring at th man for a few minutes, the drunk said, "Excuse me, hik..., I think someone has stolen your girlfriend!"

---

A drunk comes out of a pub just as an ambulance passes with the blue lights flashing and siren wailing. He immediately sprints after it and chases it for half a mile before collapsing in a heap gasping " Stuff it, you can keep your ice cream!

---

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A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three Hell's Angels bikers walked in. The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie and then took a seat at the counter. The second walked up to the old man, spit into the old man's milk and then he took a seat at the counter. The third walked up to the old man, turned over the old man's plate, and then he took a seat at the counter.

Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner. Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, "Humph, not much of a man, was he?"

The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver either. He just backed his truck over three motorcycles."

---

A guy goes into a restaurant / lounge wearing a shirt open at the collar and is met by a bouncer who tells him he must wear a necktie to gain admission.                                   So the guy goes out to his car and he looks around for a necktie and discovers that he just doesn't have one. He sees a set of jumper cables in his trunk. In desperation he ties these around his neck, manages to fashion a fairly acceptable looking knot and lets the ends dangle free.                                             He goes back to the restaurant and the bouncer carefully looks him over for a few minutes and then says, "Well, okay, I guess you can come in ... Just don't start anything."

---

A guy walks into a bar. 

He asks the bartender for a shot of whiskey. 

The bartender asks "Why?" The guy responds and says "I got my first blow." 

The bartender says "In that case I'll give you two shots of whiskey." 

The guy says "No, I just want one to get the taste out of my mouth." 

---

A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:

Cheese Sandwich: $1.50
Chicken Sandwich: $2.50
Hand Job: $5.00

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.

"Yes?" she enquires with a knowing smile, "Can I help you?"

"I was wondering", whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"

"Yes" she purrs "I am."

The man replies "Well wash your fucking hands, I want a cheese sandwich!"

---

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn’t find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, “Do these turkeys get any bigger?”
The stock boy replied, “No ma’am, they’re dead.”

---

Although he always ordered just ham and eggs everyday, one customer at the diner always studied the menu carefully each day before ordering. One day his regular waitress decided to see if he could be made to order anything else. Before giving him the menu she marked out the ham and eggs entry. 
After waiting a few minutes she asked, "Did you notice, sir, that I scratched something that you like?" 
Without looking up from the menu, he replied, "So go wash your hands and bring me some ham and eggs..."

---

A man and his girlfriend were out to dinner one night. The waiter tells them the night’s special is chicken almondine and fresh fish.”The chicken sounds good; I’ll have that,” the woman says.The waiter nods. “And the vegetable?” he asks.”Oh, he’ll have the fish,” she replies.

---

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.
"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you." They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards the woman invites him to the theater followed by drinks. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap...and stay for breakfast the next morning.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed! Everything had been incredible! "You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"

"No," she replies.........

"You just happened to catch my eye."

---

A man limps into a bar with a cane and alligator. The bartender stops him and says "Hold on a second here - you can't bring that animal in here, they aren't allowed!" So the man says, "But my gator here does a really cool trick..."

The bartender says "Well then, lets see!" So the man whips out his dick and shoves it in the gators mouth. He then takes his cane and starts bashing the gator in the head with it. A crowd gathers around and everyone is astonished when he pulls out his dick without a single scratch.

---

A man observed a sign in the window of a restaurant that read: "Unique Breakfast." So, he walked in and sat down. The waitress brought the man his coffee and asked him what he wanted. "What's your 'Unique Breakfast?'" he asked inquisitively.                         

 "Baked tongue of chicken!" she proudly replied.                     

"Baked tongue of chicken?... Baked tongue of chicken! Do you have any idea how disgusting that is? I would never even consider eating anything that came out of a chicken's mouth!" he fumed.                          Undaunted, the waitress asked, "What would you like then?" "Just bring me some scrambled eggs," the man replied.

---

A man is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship." The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat." The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft." Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to the guy and says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?" 

"Ten years!", he says. 

She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. 

He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag, and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!" 

Then she asked, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?" 

He replies, "Ten years!" 

She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him. 

He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic!" 

Then she starts unzipping a longer zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you've had some real fun?" 

And the man replies, "Wow! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there!" 

---

A man walks in a bar and a little man is sitting next to him. The little man asked if he had a family and how old he was. The man told him he was 29 and had a wife and two kids. 

The little man says "I'am a Leprechaun, and if you left me F#$@ you in the butt I will grant you three wishes". 

They go to the bathroom and the Leprechaun starts to F@$# him in the butt. 

When almost finished the Leprechaun says, "You did say you had a family right?" 

Than man replies, "Yes I'm29 and have a wife and two kids" 

The Leprechaun says, "Well aren't you a little bit old to be believing in Leprechauns?" 

---

A man walks into a bar and orders a pint. After a few minutes, he hears a voice that says 'Nice shoes'. He looks around but the whole bar is empty apart from the barman at the other end of the bar. A few minutes later, he hears the voice again, this time it says 'I like your shirt', again there is no-one around. He beckons the barman over and tells him whats been going on, to which the barman says 'Ah, that would be the nuts sir, they're complimentary!

---

A man walks into a bar and sees a man with a tiny head about the size of an orange. 

He asks the bartender what had happened to the man. 

The bartender says, "Well, he was on a beach and saw a beautiful mermaid." 

"The mermaid swam up to him and offered him a single wish." 

Unfortunatly, the man replied "How about a little head?" 

---

A man walks into a bar and sees the most beautiful babe sitting at the end of the bar. When he takes a closer look, he notices that the skin tight jeans she's wearing have no zipper or buttons. He walks over to her and asks, "With no zippers or buttons, how do you get your jeans off?" She replies "For starters, you could buy me a drink." 

---

A man walks into a Chinese restaurant but is told by the maitre'd there will be at least a twenty minute wait and was asked if he'd like to wait in the bar. He goes into the bar and the bartender says, "What'll it be?"                             

The man replies, "Give me a Stoli with a twist."                             

The bartender squints at him for a few seconds, then smiles and says, "Once upon time were *four* little pigs..."

---

A man walks into a dimly lit bar and the bartender asks him "Why is the front of your shirt all bloody" 

His customer answers in a slurred voice "My wife caught me with another woman and cut off my penis." 

"Oh come on" replies the bartender. 

The customer then says "If you don't believe me, I'll show you." 

He proceeds to rifle through his suitcase and pulls out this long thin thing and lays it on the bar. 

The bartender bends down and looks closely and says "Why this is just a cigar". 

The customer looks puzzled and says "I have it here somewhere" and proceeds to fumble through his other pockets and comes up with another long thin thing and placing it on the bar, and says " See that". 

The bartender again inspects it closely and says "You asshole that's just another cigar." 

Now the customer staggers backward and steadies himself , leaning on the bar and with awareness in his shaky voice says "Son of a bitch, I must have smoked it!" 

---

An American businessman goes to Japan on a business trip. But, he hates Japanese food, so he asks the concierge at his hotel if there's any place around where he can get American food. The concierge tells him he's in luck, "There's a pizza place that just opened, and they deliver." The concierge gives the businessman the phone number, and he goes back to his room and orders a pizza.                                  Thirty minutes later, the delivery guy shows up to the door with the pizza. The businessman takes the pizza, and starts sneezing uncontrollably. He asks the delivery man, "What the heck did you put on this pizza?"                                The delivery man bows deeply and says, "We put on the pizza what you ordered - pepper only."

---

An Arizona cowboy stopped at a local restaurant following a day of drinking and roaming around in Mexico.

While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious-looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful, so he asked the waiter, "What is that you just served that fella over there?" The waiter replied, "Ah, senor, you have excellent taste! Those are the bull's testicles from the bullfight this morning - A delicacy!" The cowboy, though momentarily taken aback, said, "What the heck, I'm on vacation down here! Bring me an order!" The waiter replied, "I am so sorry, senor. There is only one serving per day, because there is only one bullfight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!"

The next morning, the cowboy returned and placed his order; then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After taking a few bites and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called the waiter over and said, "These are delicious, but they're much, much smaller than the ones you served yesterday! Why is that?" The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, senor, sometimes the bull wins".

---

And how did you find your steak sir?
Well, quite accidentally. I moved this tomato slice and there it was...
---

A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says.The bartender promptly serves up a beer. "How much will that be?" asks the neutron. "For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge"

---

A new guy in town walks into a bar and reads a sign that hangs over the bar. 

FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS OUR TEST! 

So the guy asks the bartender what the test is. The Bartender replies "Well, first you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the whole thing at once and you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's a 'gator out back with a sore tooth...you have to remove it with your bare hands. Third, there's a woman up-stairs who's never had an orgasm. You gotta make things right for her." 

The guy says, "Well, as much as I would love free beer, I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and then get crazier from there. Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, "Wherez zat teeqeelah?" 

He grabs the gallon of tequilla with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp and tears streaming down his face. Next, he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear the most frightening roaring and thumping, then silence. 

The man staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body. "Now" he says "Where's that woman with the sore tooth?" 

---

A not so rich couple decided to stay at a very exclusive hotel for a night. The manager immediately recognized them for what they are but could not throw them out, instead he decided to be clever. In the morning the couple came to settle the bill and were surprized to find they owe $3000.

"How's this? We've only been here one night!" the man was annoyed.
"So?", said the manager, "this is a very expensive hotel. We have golf courts, tennis courts, swimming pools, exercise rooms, bars and restaurants, all this is very expensive to keep up."
"But we didn't use any of these!" explained the couple.
"If you didn't use - that's your problem," came the reply.

"In that case, you owe me $2000. You see, my wife is a call girl who charges $5000 a night, so please settle your bill," said the man.
"What do you mean?" the manager was taken off guard, "I didn't sleep with your wife!"
"If you didn't use - that's your problem!"

---

An out-of-towner in New York at the height of the tourist season decided to revisit an uptown restaurant he'd enjoyed on a previous trip to the city. Finally catching the eye of an overworked waiter, he said, "You know, it's been over five years since I first came in here."               "You'll have to wait your turn, sir," replied the harried and now irritated waiter, "I can only serve one table at a time."

---

A Panda walks into a restaurant and orders the special of the day.
He eats the food, gets up and shoots the waitress dead. The Hostess
runs over to the Panda and says, "What did you do that for?"
The Panda then says,"Look up 'Panda" in the dictionary,
and you will see..."

And with that, the Panda walked out of the restaurant.

The hostess then rushes to a dictionary, looks up 'Panda' and
reads..."Panda, n., mammal, eats shoots and leaves."

---

A person checks into a hotel for the first time in his life, and goes up to his room. Five minutes later he calls the desk and say, "You've given me a room with no exit. How do I leave?"

The desk clerk says, "Sir, that's absurd. Have you looked for the door?"

The person says, " Well, there's one door that leads to the bathroom. There's a second door that goes into the closet. And there's a door I haven't tried, but it has a 'do not disturb' sign on it."

---

A rather attractive woman goes up to the cash register in a restaurant. She gestures alluringly to a large man who comes over immediately.
When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his cheek, which is slowly turning a crimson red.
"Are you the owner?" she asks, now softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no" he replies. I'm just the manager."
"Can you get him for me? - I need to speak to him." she asks, running her hands up beyond his ears and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't", breathes the manager - clearly aroused, "he's in the back doing some work right now. Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes there is. I need you to give him a message." she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"Tell him" she says - "that there is no toilet paper and hand soap in the ladies room!"

---

As fire broke out inside the pub, everybody was asked to vacate in a hurry. But there was one man who was heavily drunk, refused to leave...

Bartender: This pub is on fire, sir! Please get out of here as fast as you can!

Drunk man: Don't bother about the news of fire! I'll get all about it on tomorrow's news

---

A small boy was looking at the red ripe tomatoes growing in the farmer's garden. "I'll give you my two pennies for that tomato," said the boy pointing to a beautiful, large, ripe fruit hanging on the vine.

"No," said the farmer, "I get a dime for a tomato like that one."

The small boy pointed to a smaller green one, "Will you take two pennies for that one?"

"Yes," replied the farmer, "I'll give you that one for two cents."

"OK," said the lad, sealing the deal by putting the coins in the farmer's hand, "I'll pick it up in about a week."

---

A string walks into a bar. 

He asks for a shot of tequilla. The bartender replys "Sorry we don't serve strings". So the string leaves. 

The next day, the same string walks back into the bar. He asks for a shot of tequilla. The bartender replys "Sorry we do not serve strings, please go away." 

The following day the string stands outside the bar debating about whether to go in or not. He ties himself in a knot and frays the bottom of the string. 

He goes in and asks for a shot of tequilla. The bartender replys "Hey aren't you that string that's been coming in here all the time." 

They string replys "No I'm a freyed knot". 

---

A very sexy redhead walks into a pub and takes a seat at the end of the bar.

The bartender says to her, "What can I get ya?"

The woman replies, "Give me a Busch Beer."

The bartender gets the beer and sets it in front of her. The woman immediately picks up the beer, slams it down and passes out cold. Three men from the bar drag her out back and have their way with her.

The following night, the same woman goes back to the same pub, takes a seat at the same place at the end of the bar, and the same bartender asks, "What can I get ya?"

The woman replies, "Give me a Busch Beer."

The bartender gets the beer and sets it in front of her. The woman immediately picks up the beer, slams it down and passes out cold. Four men from the bar drag her out back and have their way with her.

The following night, the same woman goes back to the same pub, takes a seat at the same place at the end of the bar, and the same bartender says, "I know, you want a Busch..."

The woman stops him and says, "No, you better make it a Bud Light, that Busch makes my pussy hurt."

---

A waitress is explaining to a guest in the restaurant that the specialty
of the day is calf tongue in beautiful port wine sauce. The guest shakes
his head and says, "I don't want anything that comes from an animal's
mouth, just give me some eggs."  

---

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking a round with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"Hunting flies," He responded.

"Oh, killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, three males, two females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked, How can you tell?

He responded, "Three were on a beer can, two were on the phone."

---

A woman walks into a bar with her 5 pound Chihuahua and sits down next to this guy, whom she notices is feeling a little bit queasy. A few minutes go buy and the guy looks at her and blows his chunks. He looks down and sees the little dog struggling in a pool of vomit and says, "Whoa, I don't remember eating that!"

---

A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in nine holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.

To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball - and directly between his ball and the green.

After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree."

With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay.

The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only three feet tall."

---

A young woman had been taking golf lessons. She had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the club house for help and to complain. Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked, "Why are you back in so early? What's wrong?" "I was stung by a bee", she said. "Where", he asked. "Between the first and second hole", she replied. He nodded knowingly and said, "Then your stance is too wide..."

---

B

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Bill Gates findes a bottle on the beach 

As he opens it a dschin comes out the bottle: "Oh thank you for saving me, now you have a wish free!" Because he feels good Bill wants to do something good. He takes out a map with all places of war on earth and shows it to the ghost: "I wish that there is peace."
The Ghost is shocked: "That is a hard work, almost unfulfillable! Don't you have another wish?"
Bill Gates: "You could fix all bugs in Microsoft products"
The Ghost is thinking for a moment and says: "Show me that map again!" 

---

Bush and Cheney are at a restaurant for lunch. The waitress comes over and asks what they will be having.

Bush says, "I'll have a quickie."

The waitress steps back in disgust and says, "Mr. President, I thought that kind of piggish behavior went out with the last administration!"

She storms off and Dubya looks confused. Cheney shakes his head at the president and says, "George, it's pronounced QUICHE."

C

"Can I have some two-handed cheese, please?" a man in a restaurant asked the waiter. "What do you mean, 'two-handed cheese'?' asked the waiter. "You know, the kind you eat with one hand and hold your nose with the other."

---

Cat - Fish

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Customer to friend: This is a wonderful restaurant. I ordered salad and I got the freshest salad in the world, I ordered coffee, and I got the freshest coffee in the world.
Friend: I know - I ordered a small steak and got a calf.

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D

Diner: Watch out! Your thumbs in my soup!
Waiter: Don't worry, Sir, it's not that hot!

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Drunk

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The following are items found overseas in which people have made inappropriate use of English words for various products, and bizarre menu items in restaurants.

Cold shredded children and sea blubber in spicy sauce - China

Indonesian Nazi Goreng - Hong Kong

Muscles Of Marines/Lobster Thermos - Cairo

French fried ships - Cairo

Garlic Coffee - Europe

Sole Bonne Femme (Fish Landlady style) - Europe

Boiled Frogfish - Europe

Sweat from the trolley - Europe

Dreaded veal cutlet with potatoes in cream - China

Rainbow Trout, Fillet Streak, Popotoes, Chocolate Mouse - Hong Kong

Roasted duck let loose - Poland

Beef rashers beaten up in the country peoples fashion - Poland

Fried friendship - Nepal

Strawberry crap - Japan

Pork with fresh garbage - Vietnam

Toes with butter and jam - Bali

French Creeps - L.A.

Fried fishermen - Japan

Teppan Yaki - Before Your Cooked Right Eyes - Japan

Pepelea's Meat Balls - Romania

---

H

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Hello? Fred’s Restaurant.
Hello! I’d like to know, do you serve crabs?
We serve anyone, sir! Come on in!

----

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Holiday Fruit Cake Recipe

You will need the following: A cup of water, a cup of sugar, four
large brown eggs, two cups of dried fruit, a teaspoon of salt, a cup
of brown sugar, lemon juice, nuts, and a bottle of whiskey.

Sample the whiskey and check for quality.

Take a large bowl. Check the whiskey again. To be sure it is the
highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the
electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add
one teaspoon of sugar and beat again.

Make sure the whiskey is still okay. Cry another tup. Turn off the
mixer. Beat two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of
dried fruit. Mix on the tuner. If the fired druit gets stuck in the
beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver.

Sample the whiskey and check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups
of salt. Or something. Who cares? Check the whiskey. Now sift the
lemon uice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar of
something. Whatever you find.

Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don't forget to
beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out of the window. Check the
whiskey again and go to bed.

---

---

"How come you're late?" asks the bartender as the waitress walks in the door.

"It was awful," she explains. "I was walking down Elm street and there was this terrible accident. A man was lying in the middle of the street; he was thrown from his car. His leg was broken, his skull was fractured, and there was blood everywhere. Thank goodness, I took that first aid course -- all my training came back to me in a flash."

"What did you do?" asks the bartender.

"I sat down and put my head between my knees to keep from fainting!"

---

How many McDonald’s counter girls does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to change it and one to put some chips with it.

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I

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In a restaurant...

Customer: Waiter! Call the manager. I refuse to drink this soup.

Waiter: But sir, the manager won't either!

---

It's Christmas Eve. Kelly walks into a bar and orders beer and a shot of whiskey. The bartender gives him a beer and a shot of whiskey. Kelly drinks his beer and pours the shot of whiskey into his shirt pocket. Kelly orders another beer and another shot of whiskey. Kelly drinks the beer and pours the shot of whiskey into his pocket. The bartender says, "Look, Mac, it's Christmas Eve, and I know we're both depressed, and I certainly don't mean to bug you, but my curiosity is *killing* me. Why do you keep pouring the shots in your pocket?" Kelly says, "It's none of your damn business! And if you be givin' me a hard time, I'll be breakin yer face!" A mouse pops out of Kelly's shirt pocket and says, "And that goes for your stupid *cat* , too!"

---

I've got a crocodile named Ginger."
"Does Ginger bite?"
"No, but ginger snaps"

---

J

Jane’s father decided to take all the family out to a restaurant for a meal. As he’d spent quite a lot of money for the meal he said to the waiter, “Could I have a bag to take the leftovers home for the dog?”
“Gosh!” exclaimed Jane, “Are we getting a dog?”

---

---

John Smith lived in Staten Island, New York and worked in Manhattan. He had to take the ferryboat home every night. One evening, he got down to the ferry and found there was a wait for the next boat, so John decided to stop at a nearby tavern. Before long he was feeling no pain.When he got back to the ferry slip, the ferryboat was just eight feet from the dock. Smith, afraid of missing this one and being late for dinner, took a running leap and landed right on the deck of the boat."How did you like that jump, buddy?" said a proud John to a deck hand."It was great," said the sailor. "But why didn't you wait? We were just pulling in!"

---

John was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink. "You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!" Now John gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive. "How do you know this, Sister?" "My Mother Superior told me so.""But have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?" "Don't be ridiculous--of course I have never taken alcohol myself" "Then let me buy you a drink - if you still believe afterwards that it is evil I will give up drink for life" "How could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house drinking?!" "I'll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, then no one will ever know."The Nun reluctantly agrees, so John goes inside to the bar. "Another pint for me, and a triple vodka on the rocks", then he lowers his voice and says to the barman "and could you put the vodka in a teacup?""Oh no! It's not that Nun again is it?"

---

Just Having Fun !!!

---

K

Kid's Kitchen Vocabulary Terms

Appetizing: Anything advertised on TV.

Boil: The point a parent reaches upon hearing the automatic 'Yuck' before a food is even tasted.

Casserole: Combination of favorite foods that go uneaten because they are mixed together.

Cookie (Last One): Item that must be eaten in front of a sibling.

Crust: Part of a sandwich saved for the starving children of China, India, Africa, or Europe.

Desserts: The reason for eating a meal.

Floor: Place for all food not found on lap or chair.

Fork: Eating utensil made obsolete by discovery of fingers.

Fried Foods: Gourmet Cooking.

Kitchen: The only room not used when eating crumbly snacks.

Macaroni: Material for a collage.

Napkin: Any warm cloth object, such as shirt or pants.

Refrigerator: A very expensive and efficient room air conditioner when not being used as an art gallery.

Soda Pop: Shake 'N Spray.

Thirsty: How your child feels after you've said your final "good night."

---

L

La signora Rossi incontra una sua amica che è appena ritornata dalle vacanze: "Come è andata la vacanza?" le chiede. 
"Meravigliosamente", risponde l'amica, "il tempo era stupendo e l'hotel era proprio di prima classe! Piscina, quattro campi da tennis, camera enorme con un bagno grande come il mio salotto di casa e che asciugamani! Dovresti vederli, erano così spessi che sono riuscita a stento a chiudere la valigia!"

---

N

Newlywed: Do you want dinner?
Spouse: Sure, what are my choices?
Newlywed: Yes and no.

---

O

One day a guy walks into a bar. The bartender says "if you can make that horse over there laugh you can have free drinks for the rest of the night". 

So he says "ok" and walks over to the horse and whispers something in his ear and he starts laughing and the bartender gives him free drinks for the rest of the night. 

The next night the same guy comes back in and the bartender says "if you can make that horse over there cry i will give you free drinks for the rest of the night. 

So he walks over there and does something and the horse starts crying, and the bartender gives him free drinks. Then the bartender asks what the man did to make the horse laugh and what he did to make him cry. 

The man says "To make him laugh I told him I had a bigger dick than he does and to make him cry I showed him". 

---

One day a man was out playing golf, when he sliced his shot off into a patch of buttercups. 

Rather disgusted with himself, he went in search of his ball. 

After finding it, he was ready to hit the ball back on the fairway when he heard a voice say "please don't hurt my buttercups". 

Startled, he looked around to find the source of the voice to no avail. 

Again the man prepared to hit his golf ball and again he heard the voice say "please don't hurt my buttercups". 

This time when the man looked to find the source of the voice, he saw a small leprechan standing by him. The little man spoke to the man and said, "Please sir, if you will kindly pick up your ball and throw it up onto the fairway instead of hitting it with your club, I will reward you with a year's supply of butter for free". 

The man thought about the offer for a minute then replied, "That's a fine offer, but I have but one question for you, where were you last week when I hit my ball into the pussywillows?" 

---

"One day ima gonna New York to bigga hotel. Ina Morning I go down to eat breakfast. I tella waitress I wanna two pissis toast. She brings me only one piss. I tella her I want two piss. She say go to the toilet. I say you no understand . I wanna to piss onna my plate. She say you better not piss onna plate, you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the lady and she call me sonna ma bitch."                                     "Later I go to eat at the bigga restaurant. The waitress brings me a spoon and knife but no fock. I tella her I wanna fock. She tell me everyone wanna fock. I tell her you no understand. I wanna fock on the table. She say you better not fock on the table, you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the lady and she call me sonna ma bitch."                "So I go back to my room inna hotel and there is no shits onna my bed. Call the manager and tella him I wanna shit. He tell me to go to toilet. I say you no understand. I wanna shit on my bed. He say you better not shit onna bed, you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the man and he call me sonna ma bitch. I go to the checkout and the man at the desk say: 'Peace on you.' I say piss on you too, you sonna ma bitch, I gonna back to Italy."

---

Well, the bartender isn't sure, but the thought of more paying customers on a quiet night appeals to him.  So he agrees.  The following Tuesday, the man in the tweed jacket and sunglasses appears with about ten people.  He told the bartender, "Give them whatever they want, put it on a tab and I'll settle up at closing time."

The bartender has a great time selling loads of drinks and encouraging the patients to eat plenty of peanuts.  The patients have a great time, getting drunk, but they did behave themselves.  At closing time the bartender added up the bill and came up to over $250.  The man in the tweed jacket and sunglasses begins to organize the patients, so that they can go back to the hospital.  The bartender approaches the man in the tweed jacket and says, "It comes to $250."

The man in the tweed jacket and sunglasses smiles and says, "That's fine.  Do you happen to have change for a dustbin lid?"

---

on the night of their wedding, a young couple finally retired to their hotel room. After making her preparations, the bride came out of the bathroom to find the bridegroom on his knees in front of the bed. "What are you doing?" she asked. "I'm praying for guidance, " answered the young man. "I'll take care of that, " she replied. "You pray for endurance."

---

P

---

R

Red walks into a store. Curious about a shiny object, she asks, 
"What is that?" 
The store clerk responds, "It's a thermos." 
Red then asks, "What does it do?" 
The clerk says, "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold." 
So she buys one. 
The next day, she brings it to work with her. Her boss asks, 
"What is that shiny object?" 
She replies "It's a thermos." 
He asks, "What does it do?" 
She says, "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold." 
He then asks, "What do you have in there?" 
"Two cups of coffee and a popsicle." 

---

S

Self Confidence

---

Sid and Mundo were sitting in a Mexican restaurant. "Sid," asked Mundo, "Are there any Jews in Mexico?"

I don't know," Mundo replied. "Why don't we ask the waiter?"

When the waiter came by, Mundo asked him, "Are there any Mexican Jews?"

"I don't know sir, let me ask," the waiter replied, and he went into the kitchen. He returned in a few minutes and said, "No, sir. No Mexican Jews."

"Are you sure?" Mundo asked.

"I will check again, sir." the waiter replied and went back to the kitchen.

While he was still gone, Sid said, "I cannot believe there are no Jews in Mexico. Our people are scattered everywhere."

When the waiter returned he said, "Sir, no Mexican Jews."

"Are you really sure?" Mundo asked again. "I cannot believe there are no Mexican Jews."

"Sir, I ask everyone," the waiter replied exasperated. "We have orange Jews, prune Jews, tomato Jews, and grape Jews, but no one ever hear of Mexican Jews!"

---

---

Stumpy prepared a pasta dish for a dinner party he was giving. In his haste, however, he forgot to refrigerate the spaghetti sauce, and it sat on the counter all day. He was worried about spoilage, but it was too late to cook up another batch. He called the local Poison Control Center and voiced his concern. They advised Stumpy to boil the sauce again.

That night, the phone rang during dinner, and a guest volunteered to answer it. Stumpy's face dropped as the guest called out, "It's the Poison Control Center. They want to know how the spaghetti sauce turned out."

---

T

---

The headwaiter of a five-star, elegant restaurant recoiled in disgust as a man in muddy hipwader boots, torn jeans, a dirty leather jacket, with long, stringy dirty hair, and a beard full of old crumbs of food marched right towards him.

---

There is a guy. His favorite bar is called 'Sally's Legs'. The bar is closed, so he waits outside for it to open. He was waiting a long time and a cop got suspicious, came over to him, and asked, "What are you doing?" The guy replies, "I'm waiting for 'Sally's Legs' to open so I can get a drink."

---

There was this duck that walked into a bar and sat down in a stool and the bartender said, "Can I help you?" 

The duck said, "quack, quack, quack, got any raisins?" 

The bartender said, "NO! This is a bar and we don't sell raisins." 

The duck walked out and then he came in the next day and sat in the very same stool! 

The bartender walked over and asked him if he could help him? The duck said, "quack, quack, quack, got any raisins?" 

The bartender said, "NO this is a BAR we don't sell raisins!" So the duck walked out again and left. 

He came back the next day and sat in the same stool once again! The duck yelled at the bartender, "quack, quack, quack, got any raisins?" 

The bartender said, "NO. And if you come back here once more I am gonna nail your webbed feet to the ground and you are gonna die there."The duck said, "ok", and left. 

The next day came and sure enough the duck came back except he only peeped his head inside the door. He said, "quack, quack, got any nails?" The bartender replied, "No!" 

The duck said "Good, then you got any raisins?" 

---

There was this woman who came into a ice cream shop and asked for one pint vanilla, one pint of chocolate, and one pint of strawberry. The man behind the counter said' "I am sorry ma'am we do not have strawberry." 

The woman said, "I am sorry I have had a long day at work. I would like one gallon vanilla, one gallon of chocolate, and one gallon of strawberry." The man behind the counter said again, "I am sorry ma'am, we do not have strawberry."

The woman said, "I am sorry I have had a long day at work. I would like one scoop of vanilla, one scoop of chocolate, and one scoop of strawberry. So the guy behind the counter said,

"Can you spell the van in vanilla,"
" the woman said "v-a-n" 

"Can you spell the choc in chocolate,"
"C-H-O-C,"

"Can you spell the freak in strawberry?"
"There is no freak in strawberry."

"That is what I have been trying to tell you, there is no freakin strawberry!"

---

There were these two guys in a bar, which was on the 20th floor of a building. The first man said " I bet you $100 I can jump out that window and come straight back in!" The second man says "Ok, sure." and the barman holds the bet. The first man jumps out the window and disappears for a second before jumping straight back in. Disappointed about losing the $100, the second man says: " I'll bet you another $100 you can't do it again." So the barman holds the bet. Sure enough, the first man jumps out the window, disappears for a second, then jumps straight back in. Thinking he must have caught a freak gust of wind, the second man says "Ok, I bet you $300 I can jump out the window and come straight back in." The first man says" Ok, sure." The second man jumps out the window and falls to the footpath below. He is dead. Back up in the bar, the barman says to the first man " Gee, you can be a bastard when you're pissed, Superman."

---

There were three pigs. 

The first pig went to a bar ordered a drink and gulped it down and went to the bathroom and then left. 

The second pig went to the same bar ordered a drink and gulped it down and went to the bathroom and then left. 

The third pig went to the same bar ordered a drink and gulped it down and was just going to leave and the bartender asked if he was going to the bathroom and the third little pig said "No I'm the little pig that goes weee weee weee all the way home" 

---

This guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while in his hometown for the holidays. After looking over the menu he says, "I'll just have the Eggs Benedict."       His order comes a while later and it's served on a huge fancy chrome plate. He asks the waiter, "What's with the fancy plate?"                 The waiter replies, "There's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!"

---

This guy walks into a bar with a large bullfrog perched on his head. "Where the hell did you get that?" asked the barman. "Well, the bullfrog replied - you won't believe it but it started as this little wart on my ass !"

---

Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss. Each day, they noticed the boss left work early. One day, the girls decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her. After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early? 

The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early. The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date. The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her boss! Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house. 

The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them. "No way," the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday!" 

---

Three men are in a bar. They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place.

Then the First man says, "Aye, this is a great bar, but where I come from, there's a BETTER one. At McDougall's, you buy two drinks and McDougall himself will buy your third drink!"

The others agree that sounds like a great place.

Then the second man says, "Yeah, that's a great bar, but where I come from, there's a BETTER one. There's this place, Benedetto's; you buy a drink, Bennie buys you a drink. You buy anudda drink, Bennie buys you anudda drink."

Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.

Then the third man man says, "YOU THINK THAT'S GREAT??? 
LISTEN TO THIS!!! Where I come from, there's this place called Warshowski's. At Warshowski's, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and you get lucky!"

"Wow!" say the other two. "That's fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?"

"Well, no", replies the man, "but it happened to my girl friend."

---

Three men walk into a bar. 

After they drink a couple of beers they are ready to leave, but the bartender won't let them unless they have 12 inches of dick between them. 

The first guy whips his out and shows 6 inches. 

The second guy drops his pants and shows 5 inches. 

Finally, the third guy shows his 1 inch dick. 

The bartender says "Ok, thats 12 inches you can go". 

As the're walking away the first guy sais to the third, "Thank god you had a boner or we'd still be there." 

---

Three Vampires walk into a bar and sit down. 

The bartender comes over and ask them what they want to drink 
1st Vampire: Give me a shot of blood 
2nd Vampire: I want a double shot 
3rd Vampire: All I want is a cup of hot water 

So the bartender goes and gets the drinks and comes back. He hands them the drinks, but looks kind of confused. 

The bartender asked the 3rd vampire why didn't you order any blood the vampire pulls out a tampon and replies "I'm making tea". 

---

To celebrate their 7th anniversary, a man and his wife spend the weekend at an exclusive golf resort. He is a pretty good golfer, but she only just started. When they head down to the golf course after a lavish lunch and a bottle of champagne, they notice a beautiful mansion a couple of hundred yards behind the first hole.

"Let's be extra careful, honey," the husband says, "If we damage that house over there, it'll cost us a fortune."

The wife nods, tees off and - bang! - sends the ball right through the window of the mansion.

"Jesus Christ," the husband says. "I told you to watch out for that house. Alright, let's go up there, apologize and see what the damage is."

They walk up to the house and knock on the door.

"Come on in," a voice in the house says.

The couple open the door and enter the foyer. The living room is a mess. There are pieces of glass all over the floor and a broken bottle near the window. A man sits on the couch.

When the couple enter the room, he gets up and says, "Are you the guys who just broke my window?"

"Um, yeah," the husband replies, "sorry about that."

"Not at all, it's me who has to thank you. I'm a genie and was trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. You've just released me. To show my gratitude, I'm allowed to grant each of you a wish. But - I'll require one favor in return."

"Really? That's great!" the husband says. "I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."

"No problem - that's the least I can do. And you, what do you want?" the genie asks, looking at the wife.

"I want a house in every country of the world," the wife says.

The genie smiles. "Consider it done."

"And what's this favor we must grant in return, genie?" the husband asks.

"Well, since I've been trapped in that stupid bottle for the last thousand years, I haven't had sex with a woman for a very long time. My wish is to sleep with your wife."

The husband scratches his head, looks at the wife and says, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all these houses, honey. So I guess I'm fine if it's alright with you."

The genie and the wife disappear in a room upstairs and make love for an hour, while the husband stays in the living room.

When they are done, the genie rolls over, looks at the wife and asks, "How old exactly is your husband?"

"31," she replies.

"And he still believes in genies? That's amazing!"

---

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at a craps table. A well endowed very attractive lady comes in and wants to bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. She says, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm topless."
With that she strips naked from the waist up, and rolls the dice while yelling, "Momma needs a new bra!"
She then begins jumping up and down and hugging each of the dealers. "YES! I WIN! I WIN!"
With that she picks up her money and her clothes and quickly leaves.
The dealers just stare at each other dumbfounded.
Finally one of them asks, "What did she roll anyway?"
The other answers, "I thought YOU were watching!"

---

Two lawyers went into a diner and ordered two drinks. Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat. The waiter became quite concerned and marched over and told them, "You can't eat your own sandwiches in here!"                                       The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches.

---

Two police officers respond to a crime scene behind a grocery store. The homicide detective is already there.

"What happened?" asks the first officer.

"Male, about twenty-five, covered in Raisin Bran and dead as a doornail."

"Good grief," says the second officer. "Didn't we have one covered in Frosted Flakes yesterday? And Captain Crunch last week?"

"You're right. I'm afraid," said the detective as he took a drag from his cigar, "this is the work of a cereal killer."

---

V

Veteran Pillsbury spokesman, Pop N. Fresh, died yesterday of a severe yeast infection. He was 71.
Fresh was buried in one of the largest funeral ceremonies in recent years. Dozens of celebrities turned out, including Mrs. Butterworth, The California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, and The Hostess Twinkies.

The graveside was piled high with flours as longtime friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never knew how much he was kneaded." Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with many turnovers.

He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model for millions.

Fresh is survived by his second wife. They have two children and one in the oven. The funeral was held at 4:50 for about 20 minutes.

---

W

Waiter, I can’t seem to find any oysters in this oyster soup.
Would you expect to find angels in angel cake?

---

Waiter, is this all you've got to eat?
No, sir, I'll be having a nice shepherd's pie when I get home.

---

Waiter, my plate's wet!
That's not wet, sir - that's the soup!

---

Waiter: These are the best eggs we’ve had for years.
Diner: Well, bring me some you haven’t had around for that long.

---

Waiter, your tie is in my soup!
That's all right, sir, it's not shrinkable.

---

Waiter, what is this bug doing on my wives shoulder!
I don’t know - friendly thing isn’t he !

---

Waitress, do you serve crabs?
Sit down, sir - we serve anyone.

---

What does a Chinese restaurant serve for Easter?
Coloured eggrolls !

---

Wife: The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.
Husband: Which is this?

VideoClip

A

---

A brain walks into a bar and says, "I'll have a pint of beer please."The barman looks at him and says "Sorry, I can't serve you.""Why not?" askes the brain."You're already out of your head."

---

A Chinese went into a bar in Hawaii to have some drinks. At the counter he was amazed to see that he was sitting next to the famous Hollywood director, Steven Spielberg.

After a round of beer the Chinese sensed that the famous director was glaring at him. Suddenly in a flash the Chinese crashed down from his stool, felled by a vicious punch from the director. Picking himself up he yelled, "What the hell was that for?" The director ranted, "That's for the bombing of Pearl Harbour, My dad perished in that bombing!". "I am not Japanese. I am Chinese!". "Yeah yeah yeah..... Japanese, Burmese, Chinese, You are all the same." retorted Spielberg. 

Regaining his composure, the Chinese took his seat and ordered a double from the bartender. A few seconds later the Chinese turned round, and delivered a mighty punch to the director, sending him flat onto the floor. "What was that for?", exclaimed the director. "That's for sinking the 'Titanic'. I had ancestors on that ship!", the Chinese replied. "You ignorant man, Titanic was sunk by an iceberg!", shouted the director.
"Yeah yeah yeah.....Iceberg, Carlsberg, Spielberg...you are all the same!!".

---

A customer was bothering the waiter in a restaurant. First, he asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down cause he was too cold, and so on for about half an hour.Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, he walked back and forth and never once got angry. So finally, a second customer asked him why he didnt throw out the pest."Oh, I really dont care or mind," said the waiter with a smile. "We dont even have an air conditioner."

---

A dinner party of different nationalities had arrived at a restaurant. They each ordered a glass of wine, but when the wine arrived they noticed that each of the glasses had a fly in it.

* The Swede demanded to have new wine in the same glass.

* The Englishman demanded to have new wine in a new glass.

* The Finn picked the fly out of the wine and drank the wine.

* The Russian drank the wine, fly and all.

* The Chinese ate the fly but left the wine.

* The Jew caught the fly and sold it to the Chinese.

* The Roman drank two thirds of the wine and then demanded to have new wine.

* The Norwegian took the fly and went off to fish for cod.

* The Irishman ground the fly and mixed it in the wine, which he then donated to the Englishman.

* The American sued the restaurant and claimed for a 65 million dollar compensation for mental suffering.

* The Scotsman grabbed the fly by the throat and roared: 'Now spit out all that you swallowed!!'

---

A drunk staggers into a diner and orders a couple of eggs. The waiter, suspecting that they've run out, goes back to question the chef. "Hey, Gus, do we have any more eggs?"                                                                                      Gus replies, "I ran out of fresh eggs, I only have two rotten eggs left." The waiter says, "Give him the rotten eggs. He's so bombed he won't know the difference."                                                                              Gus scrambles up the rotten eggs and heaps on hash browns, sausage and toast. The drunk is so hungry he wolfs down the breakfast without comment. He goes to pay the cashier and asks, "Where'd you get those eggs?"                                                                                           She replies, "We have our own chicken farm."                                 The drunk asks, "Do you have a rooster?                                          "No," she says.                                                                              The drunk replies, "Well, you'd better get one, because apparently some skunk is screwing your chickens."

---

A farmer, who went to a big city to see the sights, asked the hotel's clerk about the time of meals.

"Breakfast is served from 7 to 11, dinner from 12 to 3, and supper from 6 to 8," explained the clerk.

"Look here," inquired the farmer in surprise, "when am I going to get time to see the city?"

---

A fellow checked into a hotel on a business trip recently and was a bit lonely so he thought he'd get one of those girls you see advertised in the phone books under "Escorts and Massages".

He opened the phone book to an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair; long graceful legs all the way up. You know the kind. So he is in his room and figures, what the hell, he gave her a call.

"Hello?" A woman answers.

God she sounded sexy! "Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. I 'm talking kinky the whole night long. You name it, we'll do it. Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night. Tie me up, wear a strap on, cover me in chocolate syrup and whip cream, anything you want baby. Now, how does that sound?"

She says, "That sounds fantastic, but for an outside line you need to press 9".

---

A French guest, staying in a hotel called room service for some pepper. "Black pepper, or white pepper?" asked the concierge.        To which the puzzled Frenchman replied, "Toilette pepper!"

---

A gent spots a nice looking girl in a bar goes up and starts small talk. Seeing that she didn't back off he asked her name.
"Carmen," she replied.
That's a nice name," he said warming up the conversation,
"Who named you, your mother?"
"No, I named myself, she answered.
"Oh, that's interesting. Why Carmen?"
"Because I like cars, and I like men," she said looking directly into his eyes. "So what's your name?" she asked.
"Beersex."

---

A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can.
The bartender says, “Dang, why are you drinking so fast?”
The guy says, “You would be drinking fast if you had what I had.”
The bartender says, “What do you have?”
The guy says, “75 cents.”

---

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey.
He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little jerk. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.
Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "Now what?" asks the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron.
"He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that cue ball he measures everything first!"

---

A kind-hearted fellow was walking through Central Park in New York and was astonished to see an old man, fishing rod in hand, fishing over a beautiful bed of red roses.

"Tsk Tsk!" said the passerby to himself. "What a sad sight. That poor old man is fishing over a bed of flowers. I'll see if I can help." So the kind fellow walked up to the old man and asked, "What are you doing, my friend?"

"Fishin', sir."

"Fishin', eh. Well how would you like to come have a drink with me?"

The old man stood put his rod away and followed the kind stranger to the corner bar. He ordered a large glass of vodka and a fine cigar.

His host, the kind fellow, felt good about helping the old man, and he asked, "Tell me, old friend, how many did you catch today?"

The old fellow took a long drag on the cigar, blew a careful smoke ring and replied, "You are the sixth today, sir!"

---

An Irish man walks into a pub. The bartender asks him, "what'll you have?"
The man says, "Give me three pints of Guinness please."

So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they're gone. He then orders three more.

The bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold. You don't have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low I'll bring you a fresh cold one."

The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too, and we're drinking together.
The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition.

Every week the man came in and ordered three beers. Then one week he came in and ordered only two. He drank them and then ordered two more.

The bartender said to him, "I know what your tradition is, and I'd just like to say that I'm sorry that one of your brothers died."

The man said, "Oh, me brothers are fine----I just quit drinking."

---

A local bar regular had been drinking all night. This particular night the regular drank a little more than usual.
The bartender finally says that the bar is closing. So the regular stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, same result. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.
Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he decides to crawl the 3 blocks to his home and when he arrives at the door, he stands up and falls flat on his face.
He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed, he tries one more time to stand up. This time he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.
He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting loudly. "So, you've been out drinking again!!" "What makes you say that?" He asks as he puts on an innocent look. "The bar called, you left your wheelchair there again."

---

A man and his wife are seated in a fancy French restaurant for dinner.

After the waiter arrives the man says, "I'LL have your biggest, thickest Porterhouse steak."

The waiter replies "But monsieur ... what about ze mad cow?"

The man replies, "She'll have a salad."

---

A man approaches an ice cream van and asks, "I'd like two scoops of chocolate ice cream, please."

The girl behind the counter replied, "I'm very sorry, sir, but our delivery didn't come this morning. We're out of chocolate."

"In that case," the man continued, "I'll have two scoops of chocolate ice cream."

"You don't understand, sir," the girl says. "We have no chocolate."

"Then just give me some chocolate," he insists.

Getting angrier by the second, the girl asked, "Sir, will you spell 'van,' as in 'vanilla?'"

The man spells, "V A N."

"Now spell 'straw,' as in 'strawberry.'"

"OK. S-T-R-A-W."

"Now," the girl asked, "spell 'stink,' as in chocolate."

The man hesitates, then confused, replied, "There is no stink in chocolate."

"That's what I've been trying to tell you!" she screams.

---

A man goes into a hamburger stand and orders a burger. The waitress takes out two frozen patties and sticks them under her arms. Naturally, the man asked, "What the hell are you doing?!"

The waitress replied, "I'm defrosting them!"

Another guy at the counter piped up, "In that case, you can cancel my hotdog!"

---

A man picks up a girl in a bar and convinces her to come back to his hotel room. When they're relaxing afterwards he asks, "Am I the first man you ever made love to?"

She looks at him thoughtfully for a long time. 
"You might be," she says. "Your face looks familiar"

---

A man walks into a bar and orders one shot. Then he looks into his shirt pocket and orders another shot. After he finishes, he looks into his shirt pocket again and orders another shot.

The bartender is curious and askes him "every time you order a shot, you look in your shirt pocket. Why?"

The man replies, "I have a picture of my wife in my pocket and when she starts to look good, I go home."

---

A man walks into a bar and sees a guy with a really big lighter. He asks the man," Where did you get such a big lighter?" 
The man replies, "See that man playing piano over there? He's a genie and he'll grant you one wish." 
So the guy walks over to the genie and says, "I wish for a million bucks." All of a sudden the room fills up with a million ducks. 
The man walks over to the guy with the lighter and says, "That genie is a little hard of hearing, isn't he?" 
The guy replies, "Yeah. You think I asked for a 14 inch bic?"

---

A man walks into a bar.
Bartender asks what'll have.
Man replies "A Beer and a shot of whiskey before the trouble starts".
Bartender shakes his head and gives him his drinks.
All night, each time the bartender asks for his order the man says "A Beer and a shot of whiskey before the trouble starts".
Finally the bartender asks the man what trouble he's talking about.
The man says "Give me a beer and I might just tell you".
The bartender replies, "Sorry, you've had your limit for the night".
The man says "Ohh, now the trouble starts"..

---

A man walks into a bar..
Everything in this bar is golden!
Golden carpets, golden shotglasses, golden beermats......
After one too many drinks he stumbles into what he thinks is the toilet and theres even a golden urinal!!
The man goes home and tells his wife about this place and she isnt convinced, so in the morning she fones the bar and says, "Is every thing in your bar golden..? Golden carpets, golden shotglasses, golden beermats???"
"Yes" ansers the bartender..
"What about a golden urinal????"
"Hold on" says the bartender....
"Eddie.. I think we found the guy who leaked in your saxafone!!!!!!!".

---

---

A man walks into a breakfast cafe and notices a special they have on oatmeal. He sits down at the bar and asks the waitress for the oatmeal.

The waitress replies that they had just run out of it.

Disappointed, the man instead orders some eggs. While waiting for his eggs, he notices a bowl of oatmeal apparently untouched sitting just down the bar. Looking to see if anyone would notice, he reached out and grabbed the bowl. He took one hesitant bite and found that it tasted pretty good.

He took another bite, and another, and found himself scarfing the oatmeal down. When he reached the bottom of the bowl he found himself staring at the very dead eyes of a severed mouse head.

Being very disgusted, he began to gag, and threw up back into the bowl. While he was panting and spiting, a man sitting in a booth came up behind him and said, "Yeah, that's what I did too."

---

A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk. he staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool, and with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink.The bartender politely informs the man that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink--he could not be served additional liquor at this bar but could get a cab called for him.The drunk is briefly surprised then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool, and staggers out the front door.A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the side door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over, and still politely--but more firmly refuses service to the man due to his inebriation. Again, the bartender offers to call a cab for him.The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the back door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits, and belligerently orders a drink.The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called immediately.The surprised drunk looks at the bartender and in hopeless anguish, cries "Man! How many bars do you work at?"

---

A man went into a deli shop and took a seat at the lunch counter. "Give me a corned beef sandwich," he ordered.
"Corned beef sandwich is not on the menu, but I can give you a sandwich with corned beef in it, like our Midnight Special."
"What's a Midnight Special?"
"A triple decker with corned beef, tongue, bologna, tomato, lettuce, onion, pickle and mayonnaise, on toasted raisin bread."
"Could you just place a piece of corned beef between two slices of white bread and serve it to me on a plate?"
"Why, sure!" Then, turning to the

---

A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering on the absurd, stood up to leave a bar and fell flat on his face.
"Maybe all I need is some fresh air," thought the man as he crawled outside. He tried to stand up again, but fell face first into the mud.
"Screw it," he thought. "I'll just crawl home." The next morning, his wife found him on the doorstep asleep.
"You went out drinking last night, didn't you?" she said.
"Uh, yes," he said sheepishly. "How did you know?"
"You left your wheelchair at the bar again."

---

A man wrote a letter to a small hotel he planned to visit on his vacation: "I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?"

An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said, "I've been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I've never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls. I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. And I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel. And, if your dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to stay here, too."

---

"And will there be anything else, sir?" the bellboy asked after setting out an elaborate dinner for two.
"No thank you," the gentleman replied. "That will be all."

As the young man turned to leave, he noticed a beautiful satin negligee on the bed. "Anything for your wife ?" he asked.
"Yeah! That's a good idea," the fellow said. "Please bring up a postcard."

---

An Irishman, a Mexican and a redneck were doing construction work
 on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch
 and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef
 one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building." The
 Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I
 get burritos one more time for lunch, I am going to jump off too."
 The redneck opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a
 bologna sandwich one more time I'm jumping off too!"
   The next day the Irishman opened his lunchbox and sees corned beef and
 cabbage and jumps off the building. The Mexican opens his lunch box and
 sees burritos and jumps off too. The redneck opens his lunchbox and sees
 bologna so he jumps to his death. At the funeral, the Irishman's wife is
 weeping and says, "If I had known he was tired of corned beef and cabbage
 I would have never given it to him again!". The Mexican's wife also weeps
 and says, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize
 he hated burritos so much." Everyone turned and stared at the redneck's
 wife. "Hey, don't look at me" she said, "He makes his own lunch!"

---

An old cowboy went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life on the ranch, herding horses, mending fences, and branding cattle, so I guess I am."

She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. As I watch TV, or even eat, I think about women. Everything seems to make me think about women."

The two sat sipping in silence. A short time later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."

---

A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the manager shouts, “Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn’t pay for your sandwich!”The panda yells back at the manager, “Hey man, I’m a PANDA! Look it up!”The manager opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda: “A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.”

---

A politician is in a restaurant and the waiter brings over the rolls, but no butter. "May I have some butter, please?" The waiter gives a slight nod and wanders off.                                                                           Ten minutes later, still no butter. The politician catches the waiter's eye, "May I have some butter, please?" Still the vaguest of responses, and after ten more minutes, still no butter.                                 "Maybe you don't know who I am," says the politician. "I'm a Princeton graduate, a Rhodes scholar, an All-American basketball player who played with the New York Knicks in the pros, and I'm currently a United States Senator, chairman of the International Debt Subcommittee of the Senate Finance Committee, chairman of the Water and Power Subcommittee of the Senate Energy and Natural Resources Committee, and a member of the Senate Select Intelligence Committee."         "Maybe you don't know who I am," said the waiter. "I'm the guy who's in charge of the butter."

---

A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch.The seaman asks, "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?" The pirate replies, "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off." "Wow!" said the seaman. "What about your hook"? "Well", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off." "Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eye patch"? "A seagull dropping fell into my eye," replied the pirate."You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?," the sailor asked incredulously. "Well," said the pirate, "it was my first day with my hook"

---

A traveller pulls into a hotel around midnight and asks the clerk for a single room. As the clerk fills out the paperwork, the man looks around and sees a gorgeous blonde sitting in the lobby. He tells the clerk to wait while he disappears into the lobby. After a minute he comes back, with the girl on his arm.

"Fancy meeting my wife here," he says to the clerk. "Guess I'll need a double room for the night."

Next morning, he comes to settle his bill, and finds the amount to be over $3000. "What's the meaning of this?" he yells at the clerk. "I've only been here one night!"

"Yes," says the clerk, "but your wife has been here for three weeks."

---

A waiter approached the man studying the menu carefully at the fancy restaurant. "May I take your order, sir?" he asked.

"Well, I was wondering how you prepare your chickens." The man replied.

"Oh, it's nothing too special, sir," the waiter confided. "We just tell them straight out that they're going to die."

---

A waiter brings the customer the steak he ordered with his thumb over the meat.
"Are you crazy?" yelled the customer, "with your hand on my steak?"
"What" answers the waiter, "You want it to fall on the floor again?"

---

A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at Burger King. He noticed that they ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup. As he watched, the gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries. One for him, one for her, until each had half of them. Then he poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup, and set it in front of his wife. The old man began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap.

The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they didn't have to split theirs.

The old gentleman said, "Oh, no. We've been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50."

The young man than asked the wife if she was going to eat, and she replied, "Not yet. It's his turn using the teeth."

---

C

---

Coming into the bar and ordering a double, the man leaned over and confided to the bartender, "I'm so pissed off !" 
"Oh yeah? What happened?" asked the bartender politely. 
"See, I met this beautiful woman who invited me back to her home. We stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and we were just about to make love when her god damned husband came in the front door. So I had to jump out of the bedroom window and hang from the ledge by my fingernails!" 
"Gee, that's tough!" commiserated the bartender.
"Right, but that's not what really got me aggravated," the customer went on. 
"When her husband came into the room he said, 'Hey great! You're naked already! Let me just take a leak.' 
And damned if the lazy son of a bitch didn't piss out the window right onto my head?" 
"Yeech!" the bartender shook his head. "No wonder you're in a lousy mood." 
"Yeah, but I haven't told you what really, really got to me. Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning and when they finished, the husband tossed his condom out of the window. And where does it land? My damned forehead!" "Damn, that really is a drag!" says the bartender. "Oh, I'm not finished. See what really pissed me off was when the husband had to take a dump. It turns out that their toilet is broken, so he stuck his ass out of the window and let loose right on my head !" The bartender paled. "That would sure mess up my day." "Yeah, yeah, yeah," the fellow rattled on, "but do you know what REALLY, REALLY, REALLY pissed me off? When I looked down and saw that my feet were only SIX inches off the ground!"

---

Customer: Give me a hot dog.
Waiter: With pleasure.
Customer: No, with mustard.

---

Customer: Do you have bacon and eggs on the menu:Waiter: No, we clean our menus regularly.

---

D

---

Did you hear about the new restaurant on the moon? Great food but no atmosphere.

---

F

French Hen

---

From the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar. The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming. "What's all the screaming about in there?" he yells, "You're scaring my customers!"
"I'm just sitting here on the toilet," slurs the drunk, "and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my privates."
With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says, "You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!"

---

H

---

Have you ever seen a man-eating tiger ?
No, but in the restaurant next door I once saw a man eating chicken !

---

Health Advice

---

I hate aspects of this time of year. Not for its crass commercialism and forced frivolity, but because it's the season when the food police come out with their wagging fingers and annual tips on how to get through the holidays without gaining 10 pounds.

1. About those carrot sticks. Avoid them. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnogaholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later then you think. It's Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other peoples food for free. Lots of it. Hello? Remember college?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Years, You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa. Position yourself near them, and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. You can't leave them behind. You're not going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day ?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean have some standards, mate.

10. And one final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Reread tips. Start over. But hurry! Cookieless January is just around the corner.

---

How many cafeteria staff does it take to change a light bulb?
”Sorry, we closed 18 seconds ago, and I’ve just cashed up.”

---

I

I am an Italiano. One day ima gonna L.A. to bigga hotel. Ina morning I go down to eat breakfast. I tella waitress I wanna two pisses toast. She brings me only one piss. I tella her I want two piss. She say go to the toilet. I say you no understand, I wanna two piss onna my plate. She say you better no piss onna plate, you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the lady and she call me sonna ma bitch. Later I go to eat at the bigga restaurant. The waitress brings me a spoon and knife but no fock. I tella her I wanna fock. She tell me everyone wanna fock. I tella her you no understand. I wanna fock on the table. She say you better not fock on the table, you sonna ma bitch. So I go back to my room ina hotel and there is no shits onna my bed. I call the manager and tella him I wanna shit. He tell me to go to toilet. I say you no understand. I wanna shit on my bed. He say you better not shit onna bed, you sonna ma bitch. I go to the checkout and the man at the desk say: "Peace on you." I say piss on you too, you sonna ma bitch, I gonna back to Italy!

---

---

---

In a pub...

Customer: Can you give me something long, cold and half full of vodka?

Bartender: How about my wife?
---

In a restaurant...

Waiter: Welcome to our restaurant! What would you like to have, sir?

Customer: Steak and chips.

Waiter: Would you like anything with it, sir?

Customer: If it's like the last time I ate here, then bring me a hammer and chisel.
---

Is your food spicy Sir ?
No, smoke always comes out of my ears !

---

I went to a restaurant that serves breakfast at any time.
So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
---

J

Jock once attended a Temperance lecture given by Scotland's top medical man, a noted anti-drink campaigner. The speaker began by placing a live, wriggling worm in a glass of whisky. After a moment or two it died and sank to the bottom.

The speaker said quietly to the audience, "Now my friends, what does this tell us?"

Jock piped up, "If you drink whisky you'll not be bothered by worms!"

---

John and Jessica were on their way home from the bar one night and John got pulled over by the police. The officer told John that he was stopped because his tail light was burned out. John said, "I'm very sorry officer, I didn't realize it was out, I'll get it fixed right away."

Just then Jessica said, "I knew this would happen when I told you two days ago to get that light fixed."

So the officer asked for John's license and after looking at it said, "Sir your license has expired."

And again John apologized and mentioned that he didn't realize that it had expired and would take care of it first thing in the morning.

Jessica said, "I told you a week ago that the state sent you a letter telling you that your license had expired."

Well by this time, John is a bit upset with his wife contradicting him in front of the officer, and he said in a rather loud voice, "Jessica, shut your mouth!" pr0perty0fgl0wp0rt

The officer then leaned over toward Jessica and asked. "Does your husband always talk to you like that?"

Jessica replied, "only when he's drunk."

---

John was furious when his steak arrived too rare.

"Waiter," he shouted, "Didn't you hear me say 'well done'?"

"I can't thank you enough, sir," replied the waiter. "I hardly ever
get a compliment."

---

Juan was driving down a country lane in his pickup when suddenly a chicken darted into the road in front of him. He slammed on his brakes, but realized that the chicken was
speeding off down the road at about 30 miles an hour. Intrigued, he tried to follow the bird with his truck, but he couldn't catch up to the accelerating chicken. Seeing it
turn into a small farm, Juan followed it. To his astonishment, he realized that the chicken had three legs. Looking around the small farm, he noticed that ALL of the
chickens had three legs.

The farmer came out of his house, and Juan said, "Three-legged chickens? That's astonishing!"

The farmer replied, "Yep. I bred 'em that way because I love drumsticks."

Juan was curious. "How does a three-legged chicken taste?"

The farmer smiled. "Dunno. Haven't been able to catch one yet."

---

L

---

Little Johnny's chemistry teacher wanted to teach his class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he set up an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.

"Now, class. Observe what happens to the two the worms," said the professor putting the first worm in the glass of water. The worm in the water moved about, twisting and seemingly unharmed.

He then dropped the second work in the whiskey glass. It writhed in pain for a moment, then quickly sank to the bottom and died. "Now kids, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" he asked.

Little Johnny raised his hand and wisely responded, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms!"

---

M

---

Mick & Paddy walking home from the pub;
Mick says "I cant be bothered to walk all that way"
"i know" says Paddy, but we've no money for a cab and we've missed the last bus home.
"We'll steal a bus from the depot" said Mick
They arrive at the bus depot and Mick tells paddy to go in and get a bus while he keeps a lookout. After shuffling around for ages Mick shouts "Paddy, what you doing? Have you not found one yet? Paddy shouts back "I cant find a No: 9"
"Oh Jeysus christ, ye thick tw@t - take the No: 14 and we'll walk from the roundabout!"

O

Old Abraham was a poor tailor whose shop was next door to a very upscale French restaurant. Every day at lunch time, Abraham would go out the back of his shop and eat his black bread and herring while smelling the wonderful odors coming from the restaurant's kitchen.

One day, Abraham was surprised to receive an invoice from the restaurant for 'enjoyment of food'. So he went to the restaurant to point out that he had not bought anything from them. The manager said, "You're enjoying our food, so you should pay us for it."

Abraham refused to pay and the restaurant sued him. At the hearing, the judge asked the restaurant to present their side of the case. The manager said, "Every day, this man comes and sits outside our kitchen
and smells our food while eating his. It is clear that we are providing added value to his poor food and we deserve to be compensated for it."

The judge turns to Abraham and said, "What do you have to say to that?"

Abraham didn't say anything but stuck his hand in his pocket and rattled the few coins
he had inside.

The judge asked him, "What is the meaning of that?"

Abraham replied, "I'm paying for the smell of his food with the sound of my money."

---

One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They each bought a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head. The Englishman pushed his beer away in disgust. The Scotsman fished the fly out of his beer, and continued drinking it, as if nothing had happened. The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer, and started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT!!!!"

---

One day during cooking class, our teacher, Mrs. Moore, was extolling her secrets for preparing perfect sauces. When she ordered us to the stoves to prepare our assignments, she said, "Don't forget to use wooden spoons."

As I stirred my sauce, I contemplated the physics behind the mystery of the wooden spoon and decided it must have something to do with heat conduction. I approached Mrs. Moore about my theory. "Why wooden spoons?" I asked.

"Because," she replied, "if I have to sit here listening to all your metal spoons banging against metal pots, I'll go nuts!"

---

One day, two rednecks named Bubba and Earl were driving down the road, drinking a couple of Buds. The passenger, Bubba, said, "Looky thar up ahead Earl. It's a po-leece roadblock. We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!"
"Don't worry Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, then throw the bottles under the seat."
"What fer?" asked Bubba.
"Just let me do the talking, okay?" said Earl.
They finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat and slapped the labels on their foreheads.
When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "Have you boys been drinking?" "No sir." said Earl. "We're on the patch."

---

P

Patron: Waiter!

Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I'll be your Support. What seems to be the problem?

Patron: There's a fly in my soup!

Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time.

Patron: No, it's still there.

Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup. Try eating it with a fork instead.

Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.

Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl. What kind of bowl are you using?

Patron: A SOUP bowl!

Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it's a configuration problem. How was the bowl set up?

Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer. What has that to do with the fly in my soup?!

Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup?

Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!

Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?

Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day??

Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.

Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?

Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.

Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup, and the check. I'm running late now.

[waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check]

Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check.

Patron: This is potato soup.

Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet.

Patron: Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything.

[waiter leaves.]

Patron: Waiter! There's a gnat in my soup!

The check:
Soup of the Day . . . . . . . $5.00
Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day. . $2.50
Access to support . . . . . . $1.00

---

R

Restaurant

---

"Room service? Send up a larger room."
---

"Room Service? Can you send up a towel?"

"Please wait, someone else is using it."

---

S

---

Sandy was drinking at a pub all night. When he got up to leave, he fell flat on his face. He tried to stand again, but to no avail, falling flat on his face. He decided to crawl outside and get some fresh air to see whether that would sober him up. Once outside, he stood up and, sure enough, fell flat on his face. So, being a practical Scot, he crawled all the way home.

When he got to the door, he stood up yet again, but fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door into his bedroom. When he reached his bed, he tried once more to stand upright. This time he managed to pull himself to his feet but fell into bed. He was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.

He woke the next morning to his wife shaking him and shouting, "So, ye've been oot drinkin' as usual!"

"Why would ye say that?" he complained innocently.

"Because the pub called an' ye left yer wheelchair there again!"

---

So I said to Friedrich Nietzsche, "How would you best describe two general practitioners"?

He replied "Hmmm, that's a pair-o'-docs"

T

---

The blonde man was crying at the bar, and the bartender gave him a free drink. "What's the trouble?" asked the friendly bartender.

"I got kicked out of chef school," replied the blonde. "They said I gave them the oldest excuse in the book, and all I did was tell the truth."

"What did you say?" asked the bartender.

To which the chef student answered, "I told them my dog ate my homework."

---

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray, "Take only one. God is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. One child whispered to another, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

---

The distinguished professor and his chauffeur were talking one day on the way to the next speaking engagement, and the driver said, " I've sat in the back and listened to your presentation so many times that i can give it just as well as you can." The professor said " I'll bet you can't. Just to prove it, we'll trade clothes in the hotel, and I'll sit in the back." The chauffeur delivered the lecture flawlessly, and the audience applauded him roundly. Then a pompous professor from the local university, wishing to impress his colleagues in the audience, stood and asked a very specific question concerning the driver's presentation. The driver said, " i am amazed that you would ask such a silly question. The answer is so obvious that i am going to ask my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, to answer your ridiculous question."

---

The dotty old man asked his dotty old wife to make him a hot fudge sundae. She went to the kitchen and returned with a plate of scrambled eggs. He got really upset and yelled, "Where's my bacon?!"

---

The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room-service, at a hotel in Asia which was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review...

Room Service (RS): "Morny. Ruin sorbees"
Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service"
RS: "Rye..Ruin sorbees..morny! Djewish to odor sunteen??"
G: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs"
RS: "Ow July den?"
G: "What??"
RS: "Ow July den?...pry, boy, pooch?"
G: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please."
RS: "Ow July dee bayhcem...crease?"
G: "Crisp will be fine."
RS : "Hokay. An San tos?"
G: "What?"
RS:"San tos. July San tos?"
G: "I don't think so"
RS: "No? Judo one toes??"
G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what
'judo one toes 'means."
RS: "Toes! toes!...why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow singlish mopping we bother?"
G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine."
RS: "We bother?"
G: "No..just put the bother on the side."
RS: "Wad?"
G: "I mean butter...just put it on the side."
RS: "Copy?"
G: "Sorry?"
RS: "Copy...tea...mill?"
G: "Yes. Coffee please, and that's all."
RS: "One Minnie. Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease baychem,tossy singlish mopping we bother honey sigh, and copy....rye??"
G: "Whatever you say"
RS: "Tendjewberrymud"
G: "You're welcome"

---

The local District Judge had given the defendant a lecture on the evils of drink. But in view of the fact that this was the first time the man had been drunk and incapable, the case was dismissed on payment of ten shillings costs.

"Now don't let me ever see your face again," said the Justice sternly as the defendant turned to go.

"I'm afraid I can't promise that, sir," said the released man.

"And why not?"

"Because I'm the barman at your regular pub!"

---

There were three pigs.
The first pig went to a bar ordered a drink and gulped it down and went to the bathroom and then left.
The second pig went to the same bar ordered a drink and gulped it down and went to the bathroom and then left.
The third pig went to the same bar ordered a drink and gulped it down and was just going to leave and the bartender asked if he was going to the bathroom and the third little pig said "No I'm the little pig that goes weee weee weee all the way home"

---

There is this atheist swimming in the ocean. All of the sudden he sees this shark in the water, so he starts swimming towards his boat.

As he looks back he sees the shark turn and head towards him. His boat is a ways off and he starts swimming like crazy. He's scared to death, and as he turns to see the jaws of the great white beast open revealing its teeth in a horrific splendor, the atheist screams, "Oh God! Save me!"

In an instant time is frozen and a bright light shines down from above. The man is motionless in the water when he hears the voice of God say, "You are an atheist. Why do you call upon me when you do not believe in me?"

Aghast with confusion and knowing he can't lie the man replies, "Well, that's true I don't believe in you, but how about the shark? Can you make the shark believe in you?"

The Lord replies, "As you wish," and the light retracted back into the heavens and the man could feel the water begin to move once again.

As the atheist looks back he can see the jaws of the shark start to close down on him, when all of sudden the shark stops and pulls back.

Shocked, the man looks at the shark as the huge beast closes its eyes and bows its head and says, "Thank you Lord for this food for which I am about to receive..."

---

These three underage girls (blonde, brunette and redhead) walk into a bar.
A cop walks in and recongizes them and knows they were all underage. As he approached the girls, they all bolted.
They ran into an alley where there were three trash bags. With the cop coming, they quickly hid in the bags. The officer comes looking and kicks the first bag (where the brunette was) and she says "meow" and the officer says "oh it's just a stupid cat".
Then he kicks the next bag (where the redhead girl was) and she says "woof woof" and the officer says "it's only a stupid alley dog".
Then he kicks the last bag (where the blonde is hiding) and she says "potato's potato's."

---

the 70-year old groom and the 25-year old bride attracted raised eyebrow attention as they checked into the resort hotel. Next morning at eight sharp, the groom came into the dining room whistling a gay tune, sat down at a table and ordered ham and eggs. The smile on his face and the twinkle in his eye told everybody present that he was happy and confident. Fifteen minutes later the young bride slowly trudged into the dining room and seated herself across from her 70-year old. Her face was drawn and her voice weak as she ordered toast and coffee. The groom, now finished, excused himself and strolled into the lobby for his morning cigar. As the waitress approached with the bride's toast and coffee, she said, "Honey, i don't understand it. Here you are a young bride with an old husband, looking like you've encountered a buzz saw." "That guy, " said the bride, "double crossed me. He told me he saved up for 60 years and i thought he was talking about money!"

---

This 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to her interest in health food, and exercise.

  When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi.

  As they "oohed and aahed" the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.
 "It's free," Peter replied, "this is Heaven."

  Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth.

  The old man asked, "What are the green fees?". Peter's reply, "This is heaven, you play for free."

  Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out.
  "How much to eat?" asked the old man.
 "Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!" Peter replied with some exasperation.
  "Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly.

  Peter lectured, "That's the best part...you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven."

  With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and shrieking wildly.

  Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong. The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault.
 If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!"

---

This guy is sitting inside a bar, just looking at his drink.
He stays like that for half-an-hour. Then, this big trouble-making bully steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.
The poor man starts crying. The bully says: ''Come on man, I was just joking. Tell ya what, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't see a man crying.''
No, it's not that. Today day is the worst of my life. First, I overslept and was late to an important meeting. My boss was outrageous and fired me. When I left the building to my car, I found out it was stolen.
The police said they could do nothing. I got a cab to return home, paid the cab driver, and the cab drove off. It was then I found that I left my wallet in the cab. I finally got home only to find my wife was in bed with another man. I left home and came to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison...''

---

This guy was in a bar the guy tells the bartender "Bet you $300.00, I can put this beer bottle on the other side of the room and pee into it.

The bartender knew that was impossible and was an easy way of making money said alright. so the guy put the beer bottle on the other side of the room and tried instead of making it in the beer bottle he peed all over the bartender and the bar.

The bartender said laughing," That's $300.00" The guy said OK and walked away so glad. the bartender asked him why he was so happy the guy simply replied "Well, you see those guys back there, I bet them $1000.00 that I could pee all over you and your bar and that you would laugh about it!".

---

Three couples are dining together.The American husband says to his wife: “Pass me the honey, Honey”.The English husband says to his wife: “Pass me the sugar, Sugar”.The [you name it] husband says to his wife: “Pass me the steak, Dumb cow”.

---

Three guys are in a doctor's office. One is a drunk, another's a smoker and the third's a gay guy. The doctor tells each of them that, if they induldge in their bad habit one more time, they will die.

Outside they pass a bar. The drunk says, “I don't care if I die, I need a drink.” The drunk goes into the bar takes a drink and, sure enough, he drops dead.

Meanwhile the smoker and the gay guy are walking along. Then the smoker spots a lit cigarette on the sidewalk. The gay guy looks over and says, “If you bend down to pick that up, we're both dead.”

---

Three guys were sitting in a biker bar. This man came in, he was already drunk, sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. The man looked around and saw the 3 men sitting at a corner table.
He got up, staggered to the table, leaned over, looked the biggest one in the face and said, "I went by your grandma's house and I saw her in the hallway, buck naked. Man, she is fine!"
The biker looked at him and didn't say a word. His buddies were confused, because he was a bad ass, and would fight at he drop of a hat.
The drunk leaned on the table again and said, "I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!" The biker still said nothing. His buddies were starting to get mad.
The drunk leaned on the table again and said, "I'll tell you something else boy, your grandma liked it!"
The biker stood up, took the drunk by the shoulder and said, "Damn it, grandpa, you're drunk. Go home!"

---

Two attorneys went into a diner and ordered two drinks. Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat. The waiter became quite concerned and marched over and told them, "You can't eat your own sandwiches in here!" The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches.

---

Two little boys were visiting their grandfather and he took them to a restaurant for lunch. They couldn’t make up their minds about what they wanted to eat.
Finally the grandfather grinned at the server and said, “Just bring them bread and water.”
One of the little boys looked up and quavered, “Can I have ketchup on it?”

---

Two men were in a restaurant and ordered fish. The waiter brought a dish with two fish, one larger than the other. One of the men said to the other, "Please help yourself." The other one said "Okay", and helped himself to the larger fish. After a tense silence, the first one said, "really, now, if you had offered me the first choice, I would have taken the smaller fish!" The other one replied, "What are you complaining for; you have it, don't you?"

---

W

Waiter From Hell

Remember when eating out was a relaxing experience? Someone else cooked for you, served you and cleaned up after you. All you had to do was chew, swallow and pay. No longer, though. Today you feel like a laboratory rat who has to struggle through a maze every time it wants a chunk of cheese.

"Good evening," the maitre d' said. "Table for four?"

"Yes, thank you."

"Smoking or non?"

"Nonsmoking."

"Would you prefer to dine indoors or outdoors this evening?"

"I guess indoors would be good."

"Very well, sir," he said. "Would you like to be seated in the main dining room, the enclosed patio or our lovely solarium?"

"Uh, let me see...uh..."

"I can give you a table with a lovely view in our lovely solarium."

"I think the solarium would be lovely," l said. We followed him there.

"Now, would you prefer a view overlooking the golf course, the sunset on the lake or the majestic mountains to the west?"

"Whatever you recommend," I said. Let him make a decision for a change, I thought.

He sat us by a window facing the golf course, the lake or the mountains. I couldn't tell which because it was dark outside.

Then a young man better dressed and better looking than any of us presented himself at our table. "Good evening, my name is Paul, and I'll be your waiter this evening. Would you like a few minutes before I take your order?"

"No," I said. "I'm just a meat-and-potatoes guy, so I'll have the filet mignon and a baked potato."

"Soup or salad?"

"Salad."

"We have a mixed-green salad, hearts of palm or a very fine endive salad with baby shrimp."

"Just a mixed-green salad, okay?"

"Whatever you say, sir. Dressing?"

I didn't want to make another decision. "Whatever you've got will be fine."

"We have creamy Italian, blue cheese, vinaigrette, Thousand Island, honey Dijon, ranch…"

"Just bring me one. Surprise me."

"Creamy Italian is our house specialty. Would that be all right, sir?"

"Yeah." I was curt. I was done with civility.

"And your baked potato..."

I knew what was coming. "I just want the baked potato dry, you understand? I don't want anything on it."

"No butter? No sour cream?"

"No."

"No chives?"

"No! Don't you understand English?" I shouted. "I don't want anything on it. Just bring me a baked potato and a steak."

"Would you prefer the six-, eight or 12-ounce steak, sir?"

"Whatever."

"Would you like that rare, medium rare, medium, medium well or well done? Or, if you prefer, we can butterfly it for you."

"Pauly Boy," I said, "you are really starting to get me steamed."

"Which brings up the vegetables, sir. Would you like steamed broccoli, creamed corn, sautéed zucchini, diced carrots—"

That did it. I threw my napkin to the floor, stood up, put my face right in his arrogant kisser and said, "How'd you like to settle this outside?"

"Fine with me, sir. Would you prefer the parking lot, the side alley or the street in front of the restaurant?"

"I prefer right here," I said, and sucker-punched him.

He ducked, then countered with a left hook right under my eye. It was the first time all night he hadn't offered me a selection. I collapsed semiconscious into my chair, as someone in authority rushed over and berated Pauly.

I felt my tie being loosened, my collar unbuttoned, hands slapping my face. When I regained my senses, I saw the very concerned maitre d' right in front of my nose. He apologized and offered to buy me a drink, call the paramedics—whatever I wanted.

"No, no," I said. "I'll be all right. Just bring me a glass of water."

"Yes, sir, right away," he said. "Would you prefer imported mineral water, sparkling water or club soda with a wedge of lime?"

---

Waiter, I'd like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream.
I'm sorry, sir, but we're out of cream. How about with no milk?

---

Waiter, my knife is blunt and my steak is like leather
I should strop the knife on the steak then, sir.

---

Waiter, send the chef here. I wish to complain about this disgusting meal.
I'm afraid you'll have to wait, sir. He's just popped out for his dinner.

---

Waiter: "Tea or coffee, gentlemen?"
1st customer: "I'll have tea."
2nd customer: "Me, too - and be sure the glass is clean!"
                 (Waiter exits, returns)
Waiter: "Two teas. Which one asked for the clean glass?"

---

Waiter, there's a dead beetle in my soup.
Yes sir, they're not very good swimmers.

---

Waiter, this coffee tastes like dirt!
Yes sir, thats because it was only ground this morning.

---

Waiter, waiter, does the pianist play requests?
Yes, sir.
Then ask him to play tiddlywinks until I’ve finished my meal.

---

Waiter, what is this stuff?
That's bean salad sir.
I know what it's been, but what is it now?

---

Waitress, this egg tastes rather strong.
Never mind, sir, the tea's nice and weak.

---

Waiter, waiter, do you have frog's legs?
Certainly, Sir!
Well hop over here and get me a sandwich!

---

Waiter, waiter!
There's a spider in my
soup. Send for the manager! It's no good, sir,
he's frightened of
them, too.

---

---

Well now, you see it's like this....

A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the rear that are killed. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole because only the fittest survive thus improving the general health and speed of the entire herd.

In much the same way the human brain only operates as quickly as the slowest of it's brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells, as we all know, and naturally the alcohol attacks the slowest/weakest cells first....

So it is as plain as the nose on your face that regular consumption of Guinness will eliminate the weaker, slower brain cells thus leaving the remaining cells the best in the brain.

The end result, of course, is a faster more efficient brain.

If you doubt this at all, tell me, isn't it true that we always feel a bit smarter after a few pints?

---

"What flavors of ice cream do you have?" inquired the customer.
"Vanilla, strawberry, and chocolate," answered the new waitress in a hoarse whisper.
Trying to be sympathetic, the customer asked, "Do you have laryngitis?"
"No...." replied the new waitress with some effort, "just...erm.... vanilla, strawberry, and chocolate."

---

---

“What’s the matter with your dinner ?”
“Can you describe it for me please in case I need to tell my doctor later what I’ve eaten !”

---

When my husband and I showed up at a very popular restaurant, it was crowded. I went up to the hostess and asked, "Will it be long?" The hostess, ignoring me, kept writing in her book. I asked again, "How much
of a wait?" The woman looked up from her book and said, "About ten minutes." A short time later, we heard an announcement over the
loudspeaker: "Willette B. Long, your table is ready."

---

Why did the potato cross the road?
He saw a fork up ahead.

How do you describe an angry potato?
Boiling Mad.

Why didn't the mother potato want her daughter to marry the famous newscaster?
Because he was a commontater.

Why wouldn't the reporter leave the mashed potatoes alone?
He desperately wanted a scoop.

What do you say to an angry 300-pound baked potato?
Anything, just butter him up.

What does a British potato say when it thinks something is wonderful?
It's mashing!

What do you call a baby potato?
A small fry!

---

---

Wife: "You look tired, Honey. How about a nice steak, mashed potatoes and an apple pie for dessert?"

Husband: "No thanks. I'm too tired. Let's just eat home."

_____________________________________

Y

Young woman sat down in small restaurant, a waitress came over to take her order. “I’ll have a hamburger please.”
“Burger!” she yelled over her shoulder.
Then woman added. “Make that well done.”
Waitres turned away again. “Torture it!” she yelled.

---